Re-thinking Birth and Getting Past a Traumatic Experience
My journey to become a Doula started when I became pregnant with my first daughter. This was not a planned pregnancy by any means. I still blame the open bar and the warm summer air at the wedding we attended that day. I was young and ignorant about anything related to birth. I knew sort of how it all worked, as well as any other person who was educated by the Ontario school board in the 80's (So basically not at all really).
When the little strip turned positive I suddenly needed to know how to act like a responsible pregnant person and I pushed the actual birth waaaaaaay to the back burner of my mind. I read a lot of hippie parenting books like Dr. Sears baby book and the Attachment Parent, but birth books not so much. In my stupid 20 year old brain I thought "I'm good at most sports so I'll probably be ok at birth, it is a physical thing right". "I don't need birthing classes, I'll just figure it out". I did that the whole 9 months.
Cut to 7 days after my due date, I was having really bad back pain, but I convinced myself that it couldn't be labour pains for some reason even though it would have been completely obvious to someone not in total denial that of course it was early labour. I was in bed tensing up through the first few hours of my "not contractions" and then we finally decided to go to the hospital to make sure I was OK. The hospital staff oddly enough also didn't recognize that I was having early contractions which speaks to their ability I must say. They were however justifiably more concerned with my spiked blood pressure, which was really scary high. The nurses kept me on a heart monitor for a few hours, and took my reflexes and blood sporadically. Another nurse would come in every few minutes to check if I was seeing spots. "Seeing any spots now"? Nope, no spots, or maybe that is a spot? No, I think I'm just going crazy, no spots, I would answer.
Now, as a doula, and having had two subsequent natural births in hospital I know that you need to go into the hospital with your guard up. You need to decide what you want and what you don't want. If you go in with no plan in place "they" can take over your birth, which can sometimes end badly. Add to that if you are young and scared it can go downhill fast.
Unfortunately my first birth went downhill slowly, like really slowly. I got an epidural about 30 hours in and then tried to not have a heart attack for about 10 more hours and then finally after a few hours of pushing and tearing out came my little darling Evie.
I was in love but also really injured. I had so so many stitches to get and so so much blood coming out that I couldn't even be with her that night. The nurses took her away and I tried to recover. Showering was like watching Carrie but really up close.
I now know that a lot of that pain could have been avoided if I had done my due diligence. Not all traumatic births can be avoided though and getting over the fear and scars left from them is so so hard, and slow.
With my second pregnancy I knew I needed to change my mindset because I could not have that happen to me again. I tried to reshape my view of birth into something positive. I pushed my fears and worries down and didn't give them air. I couldn't hear anything related to birth and fear or birth and pain, it all needed to become positive. Fear is a huge impediment to birth so it needed to be suffocated. Getting a doula was the best thing I ever did with my second birth. Jill protected me and guided me the whole time. I basically fell in love with her for what she did.
Now when I think about my first birth I focus on the positive things. I had a healthy baby. I was able to recover. I was strong enough to make it though many hours of birth with zero coping mechanisms. I learned what not to do. I am very empathetic to people who did not get to have their birth plan dreams fulfilled. Most importantly, that birth made me into a doula, slowly but surely, learning bit by bit over the years. I was able to use that birth to change me, through the Grace of God I turned it around.
When the little strip turned positive I suddenly needed to know how to act like a responsible pregnant person and I pushed the actual birth waaaaaaay to the back burner of my mind. I read a lot of hippie parenting books like Dr. Sears baby book and the Attachment Parent, but birth books not so much. In my stupid 20 year old brain I thought "I'm good at most sports so I'll probably be ok at birth, it is a physical thing right". "I don't need birthing classes, I'll just figure it out". I did that the whole 9 months.
Cut to 7 days after my due date, I was having really bad back pain, but I convinced myself that it couldn't be labour pains for some reason even though it would have been completely obvious to someone not in total denial that of course it was early labour. I was in bed tensing up through the first few hours of my "not contractions" and then we finally decided to go to the hospital to make sure I was OK. The hospital staff oddly enough also didn't recognize that I was having early contractions which speaks to their ability I must say. They were however justifiably more concerned with my spiked blood pressure, which was really scary high. The nurses kept me on a heart monitor for a few hours, and took my reflexes and blood sporadically. Another nurse would come in every few minutes to check if I was seeing spots. "Seeing any spots now"? Nope, no spots, or maybe that is a spot? No, I think I'm just going crazy, no spots, I would answer.
Now, as a doula, and having had two subsequent natural births in hospital I know that you need to go into the hospital with your guard up. You need to decide what you want and what you don't want. If you go in with no plan in place "they" can take over your birth, which can sometimes end badly. Add to that if you are young and scared it can go downhill fast.
Unfortunately my first birth went downhill slowly, like really slowly. I got an epidural about 30 hours in and then tried to not have a heart attack for about 10 more hours and then finally after a few hours of pushing and tearing out came my little darling Evie.
I was in love but also really injured. I had so so many stitches to get and so so much blood coming out that I couldn't even be with her that night. The nurses took her away and I tried to recover. Showering was like watching Carrie but really up close.
I now know that a lot of that pain could have been avoided if I had done my due diligence. Not all traumatic births can be avoided though and getting over the fear and scars left from them is so so hard, and slow.
With my second pregnancy I knew I needed to change my mindset because I could not have that happen to me again. I tried to reshape my view of birth into something positive. I pushed my fears and worries down and didn't give them air. I couldn't hear anything related to birth and fear or birth and pain, it all needed to become positive. Fear is a huge impediment to birth so it needed to be suffocated. Getting a doula was the best thing I ever did with my second birth. Jill protected me and guided me the whole time. I basically fell in love with her for what she did.
Now when I think about my first birth I focus on the positive things. I had a healthy baby. I was able to recover. I was strong enough to make it though many hours of birth with zero coping mechanisms. I learned what not to do. I am very empathetic to people who did not get to have their birth plan dreams fulfilled. Most importantly, that birth made me into a doula, slowly but surely, learning bit by bit over the years. I was able to use that birth to change me, through the Grace of God I turned it around.
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